Bleed For Survival
by Forbiddensoul562
Summary: Pain can be defined as the ultimate test of survival and character, will a person stay down when inflicted, or get up and fight back?  What happens when others try to make that decision?  AU, NOT yaoi. plz r&r!
1. Counting Numbers

A/N: Alright this is my first shot at trying to write an AU, so please be gentle, I honestly don't think I've read enough AUs to really get a good feel for that kind of writing but we'll see what I can pull out of my sleeve.

WARNING: This story is NOT Yaoi even though it will sound like it in later chapters! Just keep that in mind when you start thinking that it is.

Disclaimer: I do not own YYH, I write these stories purely for fun and for practice and I'm not being paid for these writings.

Chapter 1: Counting Numbers

It was early in the morning, the sun was barely over the horizon, the world outside of it was already warm with the late summer heat, but the soft breezes smelled like the fast approaching fall.

Held up in his dark room he sat on his bed watching the digital clock on the top of his cluttered desk, it read 7:18 AM, across the room an old TV spoke about the weather that was predicted for the day.

He counted the seconds as the neon green numbers turned to 7:19, 'one, two, three' the sudden sound of shattering glass drew him out of his slight daze; he looked towards the closed door.

He knew the sound of that shatter… he had glued that one object, a special vase, back together six times within the last month. He closed his eyes and blocked out the sounds from just beyond his door, 'eight, nine, ten' he continued.

The bus would arrive soon and he would dare to leave his room only then, so he would not have to stand unarmed on the front line for long. In this never-ending war he had developed his own plans of action to counter against the enemies.

'Fourteen, fifteen, sixteen.' It always went this slow… every single morning, and every single night. He would count down the seconds until he could complete another task, any simple task that allowed him to somehow get through the day, and sometimes even through the night.

He could take this counting no longer, he stood from the bed in his black ensemble and stepped toward the door, his hand hovering above the doorknob as if there was electricity running trough the metal just waiting to shock him.

He took a deep breath, giving his clock one final look, 'twenty-four, twenty-five, twenty-six.' He suddenly yanked the door open before he had the chance to second guess the action.

The hallway was empty, the whole house had an eerie silence to it, he would rather hear screaming, and breaking objects than this uncomfortable silence.

He began down the steps to the first floor front lines, the wall that blocked the stairs from the 'formal' dining room divided him from where he knew the enemy was, the front door was only mere feet in front of him and yet he doubted whether he would get there unscathed.

He began towards it, his eyes firm on his goal, each step he took he gave another sigh of relief while in the back of his mind he knew it couldn't go on this cleanly, somewhere in this it had to get dirty.

And then suddenly it came.

A rather thick shard of broken glass was suddenly hurled at him, cutting him across the cheek, he barely flinched and turned his head away from the lit room. "Where are you going?" Came the devil's voice… the sound of his mother.

"School." He chanced a glance back at where she stood in the doorway, her black hair untended to and her clothes dirty from being worn so much. She looked into the kitchen, probably at the clock then turned back to him with a hard glare.

"Fine, get out! I don't want you here anyway, Yusa is coming over tonight so you had better be here and out of the way!"

He nodded once having heard those same lines so many times, he then left from the house before she had another chance to hurl something else at him, he could already feel blood welling at the laceration, he wondered how he even had any blood left to bleed after all of these years.

Stopping outside the closed front door he looked down at the clock he had on his key ring, it was exactly when the bus was supposed to arrive and bring about the start of his day, 7:20

A/N: Yes I know that that was really short but I think the quality was really good! Well I guess we'll see how he makes it during the day in the next chapter.

PLEASE REVIEW!

Let me know how I'm doing so far!

_- Forbiddensoul562_


	2. The Second Hell

Thank you to everyone who reviewed and to all the people who didn't, your reviews are the reason I keep bringing you these chapters! And trust me, I will do everything in my writting power to bring you as close to tears as I can!

A/N: Yay, here's the next chapter I got this story idea when I was reading the book Fahrenheit 451 (which I don't own), and I still can't figure out how this kind of story came from that kind of book. Oh well I just kind of wanted to say that… just being random!

Disclaimer: I don't own YYH or Fahrenheit 451… even though I didn't use anything from it in this chapter.

Chapter 2: The Second Hell

Hiei stepped off of the bus and onto a nearly empty bus ramp, halfway down the ramp he saw a familiar redhead leaning against one of the metal poles that held a roof over the cement.

Hiei could feel eyes on him and he didn't care, he had gotten used to it, stares were the least of his problems. He had yet to clean and bandage his laceration leaving it to bleed continuously.

The pain from it was starting to annoy him more than anything but he knew it would be fixed soon, he stood in front of him for a moment until Kurama registered his presence and looked up.

"Good morning Hiei." He said with his smile.

Hiei had always thought that Kurama was beautiful, and despite all the girls asking him out he never once accepted them, and he had never really explained why. He and Kurama had been friends for longer than either of them could remember and he was the only one Hiei considered his friend.

Sure there was Yusuke and Kuwabara to but they weren't Hiei's friends, they were Kurama's, he had never considered them his friends; they just didn't understand him like the redhead did.

"Why are you bleeding?" Kurama asked suddenly getting a worried look on his face. Hiei closed his emotionless crimson orbs so he wouldn't have to see the expression in his green eyes and his beautiful face.

"I cut myself on the way to school, I need you to get me a bandage from the infirmary." He explained, he hated to lie to Kurama, it always left a bad taste in his mouth, but it was the only way to keep him from asking questions and getting involved.

"Why can't you get it?" He asked as they began to walk towards the main building of their school.

"I've already been in there three times this week, any more and they'll think I'm doing this to myself." He stated looking ahead, and feeling the redhead watching him now.

"Are you doing this to yourself Hiei?" He asked; after a moment of silence he went on, "I wouldn't put it past you to do something like that."

Hiei scoffed talking before he really thought about his answer, "I would never harm myself for the wrongs that aren't mine."

Kurama watched him for another moment then looked ahead of him with a grin on his face, "even after all these years I still can only barely read you." Hiei got a grin of his own as they entered the air-conditioned building, he intended to keep it that way.

Kurama went into the infirmary and retrieved the requested item and some from his own request, then offered to tend to Hiei. Kurama usually was the one who took care of him when he was hurt, Hiei had fought against it in the beginning.

But after awhile he had gotten used to the softness of his touch instead of the constant beatings, and their light conversations that he knew he could have at any time whether it was in the middle of the day or the middle of the night; he had just never known Kurama to get angry at him for anything.

The first bell rang just as Kurama was finishing, he stepped back with a bright smile that made Hiei want to match it; but he held back. "There, done." The smile left for a moment while he took a wet cloth and cleaned the line of blood that had been running down the side of Hiei's face.

"There, now I'm done." Hiei stood up from the tile floor where they were in the hallway and touched the bandaged area lightly; he nodded in gratitude.

"Anywhere else?" Kurama asked with a light smile, Hiei just rolled his eyes and turned towards the closest door, "go to class baka." He said in a fake serious tone that he knew Kurama could see through then went into the classroom.

-

At lunch, Hiei and Yusuke sat at an empty table in the cafeteria while Kurama and Kuwabara got food, Hiei never ate, he rarely if ever had the money to get the school's provided food.

"What happened to your cheek Hiei?" Yusuke asked looking at a side angle to see around where Hiei was leaning against his hand.

"None of your business." Hiei said without opening his eyes. "No… but if you don't tell me I'll annoy you till you do tell me." Hiei's eyes slid open in a blank emotionless stare at the black haired kid in his green school uniform.

"Don't make me slit your throat today Yusuke I'm really not in the mood." He then closed his eyes again just as Kurama and Kuwabara returned. The two sat down, Yusuke and Kuwabara across from Hiei and Kurama.

The redhead looked over at Hiei, "what do you want?" Hiei shrugged, he really didn't want anything being in this place and around all of these people made him feel sick, all he wanted to do was skip school today.

Kurama set a plate of fries in front of him and instantly he began to eat; it was another thing that he had become accustomed to.

As Hiei began to pick at the food before him he felt eyes watching him from across the table. "Hey Hiei, what happened to you?" Came Kuwabara's annoying voice.

"Don't even try, I already asked him and all I got was a death threat." Yusuke said with a hint of frustration.

Kurama chuckled, Hiei chanced a glance at him to see his smile. "Easy Yusuke, you should've learned by now that if Hiei wants to tell you anything, he will." Hiei nodded, "if not, then you won't be getting anywhere." Kurama's smile grew, Kuwabara crossed his arms and muttered something about 'anti-social midget'.

Yusuke sat in silence for a moment, then his brown eyes lit up suddenly, "hey I forgot to tell you!" His voice was louder now. "My Mom's going to be gone this weekend so you guys want to come stay over?"

Kuwabara instantly nodded, "yeah man that'd be awesome!"

Kurama shrugged, "I don't know, it depends on how much homework I have to do." Yusuke groaned, "oh come on, you always say that, you need to get out more, it's only one weekend!"

His emerald green eyes looked back and forth between the two anxious boys and finally nodded after giving a sigh.

"What about you Hiei?" Hiei stayed where he was, unsure of what the right answer was. In truth he really did want to go, he would go anywhere just to not have to stay at his house; the group that was posing the offer was what made him re-think it.

The moment's delay caused Yusuke to jump to conclusions. "Hiei your more anti-social that anyone, it wouldn't hurt you to just spend one night with friends." Hiei almost chuckled, Yusuke had no idea how wrong he really was.

"Fine, I guess."

"Good, you know we should do stuff like this more often, jeez it's been like a year since we all actually hung out together." The overly happy kid said with a grin on his face.

"We all have begun to lead very different lives Yusuke." Kurama had a calm look in his eyes. "Very different." Hiei added, the redhead's look turned to him, then back to the two across the table. "But the idea is very good and not entirely impossible."

They nodded, "yep, so I'm having this on Saturday, yeah it'll be awesome." Kuwabara nodded and they began to talk again.

Hiei felt himself getting sick of this lighthearted talk, and as much as he liked to hear it instead of the constant yelling in his ears were accustomed to, there was only a certain amount of 'normal' conversation he could take.

He suddenly stood up, the group's eyes went to him, his hollow crimson eyes starred down at the fake wood table under his hands. "I have to go, the happiness is making me sick." He then forced himself away before the confused eyes could burn a hole straight through him.

Outside in the warm air he let himself walk without destination, somewhere that wasn't populated. He finally grimaced at what he had said to them.

This kind of event was becoming more and more frequent, he would say something, anything, that somehow connected to his life's epidemics and he wouldn't realize it till after it was said.

He grimaced again at the thought of it all, when posed with the question Hiei knew he would say that he had everything under control and he didn't need help.

But a deep pit in his center screamed and clawed at anyone who would even remotely listen to him, because deep in the back of his mind he knew he needed help, and knew he wanted it.

This life just couldn't go on any longer, he could no longer live this double life that burned him and suffocated him.

He stopped suddenly hearing a familiar sound, looking to his right he saw three older, more muscular guys picked on a younger boy, probably only a couple of grades younger.

They poked and taunted him time and again, laughing as they did it, and in the end they would make up some excuse to beat him up and leave. Hiei knew this whole depressing event to well, because it often happened to him and he knew he couldn't do anything about it (or back to them).

'Only the strong shall survive in the end.' He thought walking away from the scene, he couldn't intervene without the same thing being done to him. 'If such is the case who determines who is the strongest?'

His eyes slipped closed as he walked past a group of people to avoid their glances. 'Them for pushing their limits on power, or him for being able to get back up?'

He sighed, 'maybe it makes a person stronger to just stay down… either way there is no answer to the question.'

A/N: Oh I love this chapter and I love the ending part of it! I think I'm actually pretty good at writing these, I mean I can even think of ideas for future chapters! Anyway thanks for reading, ideas and comments (no flames please) are accepted!!!!

Please review!

_-Forbiddensoul562_


	3. These Lacerations

A/N: Yay I made it to chapter 3! At what chapter does an author know that the story is going to be any good? I still haven't figured it out! Anyway… since I don't have anymore random comments to make here's the third chapter!  
Oh, wait: Kagi no Tensai you are like now my best friend! Thank you so much!!!

Disclaimer: I do not own YYH or Loveless (only some people will understand why I put that into the mix), yeah short sweet and to the point.

Chapter 3: These Lacerations

When finally ended Hiei met Kurama at the front of the building; he had skipped the rest of his afternoon classes. "Why weren't you in last period Hiei?" Kurama asked, he and Kurama had the same Speech class.

"I skipped, not feeling well." He stated as they began off the school campus.

"You know you shouldn't skip, those absences do add up."

"Hn, I don't need a lecture." Kurama smiled while Hiei glared at him, "sorry, so how was the afternoon then?"

"Uneventful, but nice."

"How so?" His green eyes looked down to him in question. "Gave me time to think, to get my mind straight." He gave a small smirk, "the three of you really mess up my thoughts."

Kurama chuckled then got a straight look, "yes, about lunch." His voice trailed, leaving Hiei the opportunity to shoot down the new conversation before they got into it. But Hiei already knew what it would be about so he said nothing, simply looked back into Kurama's eyes.

"What did you mean by your last statement, the happiness making you sick?" Hiei sighed and looked away, this wasn't a time to lie to the redhead; not that he could make up anything anyway.

"There was only so much of it I could take, after that I feel out of place."

"Why?" Hiei had to remind himself that he was only trying to understand. "Because even now I'm just not used to it."

Kurama sighed, "used to…?" Hiei's crimson eyes shot up to him again, "both the happiness and the hatred at nearly the same time. It's a culture shock if you will."

Kurama only gave him a confused look, "Hiei you're not making sense." Hiei gave a light chuckle, looking down as he let the grin on his face pass by, "I know Kurama, because it doesn't make sense to me." He felt Kurama continuing to look at him in confusion.

"I think you try to hard Kurama." Burning crimson eyes finally met the green confused orbs. "You can't understand anything that has no true meaning."

Kurama sighed and looked ahead of him for a moment, "honestly, sometimes I do wish you would open up just a little bit… though I'll be satisfied with any part of yourself you're willing to give me."

Hiei glared at Kurama as he looked away, he hated that the he was so understanding all the time. "Don't you ever get mad?" Kurama looked down in confusion, "nani?"

"You heard me, why don't you ever get mad or pry into people?" Hiei asked with a forceful tone as Kurama just continued to look confused. "I hate it." He said.

"Sorry," he said with an apologetic look in those emerald orbs, Hiei's glare deepened as they turned onto his street.

"No, Kurama I don't understand, you should be mad because I'm mad at you." All of the thoughts in Hiei's mind no longer made sense to him, they seemed to be hidden by a veil of confusion.

He wanted the redhead to be mad at him, it would make his life so much easier, but he knew somewhere that it wasn't the right thing to be thinking.

Hiei glared at his friend for a long moment then finally sighed and began away from his side, towards his house. Kurama's voice caught him when he reached the cement that led to the driveway, "Hiei." The black haired guy looked back at his friend with hollow eyes.

"You will be at school tomorrow, right?" Hiei starred at him for a long time, confused, and then finally nodded. "And you will always hold a place open for me, right?" Kurama smiled and nodded.

Hiei forced himself away and into his unwelcoming house.

The house was dark and silent, Hiei looked around him before preceding any further. Tonight his mother's boyfriend was going to be coming over, and usually that meant she would either be less violent towards him, or more than usual.

He sighed and put his stuff on the stairs then headed to the kitchen. The kitchen was an adequate size with counters lining the walls and an island in the middle of the room, nearly every inch of counter was filled with alcohol bottles, the thought made Hiei sick.

On the opposite side of the room was an empty bay window with a messy table in front of it, his mother was sitting in one of the chairs with her head down. Hiei decided to get whatever it was he had come in here for and leave before things started to get out of hand.

He opened the white refrigerator and peered inside, none to hopeful, and as he expected it was nearly empty, all that was there was a half jug of milk that was two weeks old, some rotten vegetables and more alcohol.

"Hiei." He froze in place hearing the light call from his mother, he closed the door and looked over to her, his emotionless crimson eyes was his only protection against her.

"Didn't I tell you I wanted you out of the way?" She stood up and began to walk over to him, nearly falling over every few steps. Hiei stayed where he was, he had neither the energy nor the will to leave the room, or to move at all.

When she was close enough to him she slapped him hard across the face, the area barely stung at all. "Why are you here?" She asked, "Yusa will be here later tonight because he loves me." She said, her brown eyes were large with insanity.

"Of course." Again she slapped him, across the other side this time. "Don't you dare speak to me that way! You will show respect to me because I am your mother." She shoved him suddenly and he hit the back wall, barely flinching.

She grabbed a vodka bottle from the counter and threw it at him. Hiei barely had the chance to move before it smashed against the wall, coating it with the bitter, clear liquid, many of the shards of glass caught him just over the shoulder and he tried his best not to let the pain of it show.

"Get away from me!" She shouted, "I can't even look at you anymore, you are no son of mine!" Hiei's mother screamed, "you're the reason your father left us in the first place, it's all your fault Hiei!" The said guy left from the room before his mother got the chance to get another bottle in her hand.

He retreated to his room, slamming the door then sliding down to the floor and taking a few even breaths. 'Breath' he told himself, 'that's what Kurama would tell you to do, just breath because it will keep you alive.' He could hear the redhead saying the words in his head.

After a moment the pain in his shoulder hit him again, drawing him back to reality. With a sigh he slipped his shirt off and went to sit before the small mirror that lay on his floor, cracked down the middle.

The wound was bleeding good but not as severely as some of the other wounds his mother had inflicted on him before. He pulled out a first aid kit he had hidden in the room and began wrapping it in a bandage; it would have to do.

As he sat back and looked at himself with hollow eyes his mind went numb, his body was littered with scars both large and small, most of which he had obtained from his parental unit over the years.

'Soon Yusa will come, and things shall get far worse' he thought. Yusa was his mother's new boyfriend, ever since his father had left a good number of years ago (he had never really counted) his mother got herself a new boyfriend every month or two, and for each one she always claimed that they loved her.

-

Later that night Hiei lay silently in his bed, staring out his window and lost in his own thoughts (his shirt now on). The sky had recently opened up and began to rain only adding more thoughts to Hiei's mind.

In the background he listened as his mother and Yusa drank together and fought about little things just so they could make out after words.

Suddenly he heard the pounding of footsteps up his stairs and his crimson eyes turned to his door where it suddenly opened and Yusa entered.

Yusa was tall, over six feet Hiei estimated, two feet taller than him anyway, he had short black hair and deep brown eyes with tan skin, tonight he was still wearing his wrinkled suit showing that he had come here straight from his job in some run-down business doing something Hiei could never remember.

"You, come here!" He shouted pointing directly at Hiei. Hiei obeyed and followed Yusa out of his room and down the stairs to the living room where he mother sat on the couch, a half filled alcohol bottle in her hands and a new bruise on her neck, yet a deviant smile lingered on her face.

When Hiei averted his gaze from her and back to Yusa he was met with a hard punch across the face, which sent him to the floor. He stayed there but looked up at the towering man, "come on Hiei, you want to play in my world?" He said ushering him to get back up.

"No." Hiei said still staying where he was, Yusa glared down at him then grabbed him but the collar of his shirt and forced him up.

"What is this I hear about you disrespecting your mother?" He asked, the alcohol on his breath could make any person drunk, from the background his mother coaxed him on, her heavily words slurred.

"I haven't." Hiei said looking dead into Yusa's eyes. Suddenly Yusa's free hand moved to his pocket where he grabbed a pocketknife and opened it close to Hiei's face.

Hiei felt his face begin to move away from the crisp blade despite what his brain was telling him. "Aw, what's the matter Hiei, afraid of a simple little blade?" Yusa asked digging it into his skin just below his eye and dragging it down; Hiei bit his lip feeling himself begin bleeding.

"You are not," Yusa moved the blade from his face down to the crock of his arm where he did the same thing and dragged it halfway down his forearm, "to disrespect your mother" he repeated the process on his right arm, "anymore." He gave one more quick slash across his chest, parallel to his heart.

Then Yusa dropped him to the floor and he led Hiei's mother out of the room, "I don't want you to see him anymore tonight." Yusa said as they left hand-in-hand. Hiei tried not to scream in pain, his eyes were sealed shut, his body immobile.

'What now?' He asked himself, trying to think quickly. 'Where can I go, what am I supposed to do?' He knew the injuries were out of his hands but he was not ready to give himself over to the mercy of any hospital, the lacerations were to straight to call them a freak accident.

"_And you will always hold a place open for me, right?" Kurama smiled and nodded._

His eyes snapped open as a ray of light seemed to clear his baffled mind, only to be veiled over once more as he convinced himself that he couldn't go to his friend.

'He would ask to many questions, many of which I can not answer.' While he thought to himself he pushed himself up off the floor and over to the stairs, only to stop at the very bottom. 'But if I don't, I'll surly bleed too much for even this body to take and…' he couldn't even finish the thought.

'He would be upset if I didn't go to him… like I couldn't trust him anymore… I don't want that.' He gave the door one look before looking again at the stairs.

Before he could think anymore he dragged himself out of the front door, the other two occupants of the house wouldn't care to look for him anymore that night anyway, what would it matter if he went missing for just a few hours… he would return only after they had passed out.

The rain seemed to only offer the black haired guy mixed relief, 'this will wash away my blood, I won't seem obvious to many… if anybody is even out at this hour, whatever it is.' He hadn't bothered to look at the clock in his room.

'But it will also make me bleed even more.'

After a few minutes of walking in this rain Hiei looked up into the blackened sky, his pain filled crimson eyes silently cried out for release from this pain. He knew he was making the wrong decision as he figured out where he was going to go tonight, but it didn't matter, in reality it was his only option.

A/N: Yay for cliffhanger! Wow this was actually a really hard chapter to write because I thought it was going to be one way and it ended up being completely different! Anyway tell me what you think? Any ideas that you can spare for me (anything that you would like to see happen (except yaoi) would be awesome!)

Thanks for reading, next chapter soon!

_-Forbiddensoul562_


	4. Arguments

Hey I'm back with the next installment of this story, yay for that! And we finally get to see what happens with poor Hiei! And because I know people are anxious to see what happens I'm just going to get straight to the story, so everyone enjoy!

Disclaimer: I do not own YYH or any of the other copyrighted things that I may add in here purposely to make the story better. Any reference to or copy of copyrighted characters is simply by chance and not intentional! (I read way to many of these things!)

Chapter 4: The Argument

Hiei stood breathless and barely containing himself outside of the door, there were no lights on within this building, something that didn't surprise him by the time he got here, it had to be after ten anyway.

With a deep inward breath he knocked on the door and prayed to any god that would listen that he got an answer, anything at all.

After a long minutes wait the door soundlessly opened and Kurama stood in the doorway of his family's dark home. "Hiei?" He asked in utter confusion at his short, dripping wet friend who was barely managing to stand now, his body was trembling so much.

"What are you doing here?" He asked holding the door open for him, but Hiei didn't make a move out of the rain, his better instincts told him not to, for fear of messing up the immaculate touch Kurama's house had.

"I… I…" words weren't coming easily to his tongue or his brain, he felt a drop of blood fall from his limp left arm to the wet ground, "I need your help." He finally said with his downcast eyes slipping closed from the shame of having to ask for help.

"Come inside Hiei it's raining." Hiei listened to him this time, why, he wasn't sure, he walked into the silent, dark house as Kurama closed the door then looked over at him with worried and confused emerald eyes.

"What do you need Hiei, tell me." Hiei was quiet for a moment their eyes locked together, he finally averted his eyes and pushed up the sleeves on his shirt to reveal the lacerations then extended his arms for Kurama to see, he waited for the response of his friend.

"What happened to you?" He said rather loudly causing Hiei to flinch away from the sound.

Kurama motioned for him to follow him into the kitchen (the closest room to the living room which the front door entered into) and made him sit down in one of the chairs he pulled out from the table.

Hiei sighed, bracing himself for the flood of questions that he knew he was going to be asked by the time this ended. Kurama returned not long after with the familiar white box to begin working on his arm.

The redhead worked silently, Hiei tried to find some kind of emotion in his green eyes, anything at all that would show him what he was thinking, but there was nothing which made him feel worse for coming in the first place.

When he was done Kurama stayed kneeled where he was but looked up at Hiei, still nothing in his eyes, "any more?" Hiei sighed and pulled at the material of his shirt, which was cut and showed the bleeding wound on his chest.

"Take off your shirt Hiei." Hiei stayed in place for a moment still looking at Kurama with his own blank expression. "Hiei." He sighed and did like he was told, slipping the black shirt over his head and letting it fall to his lap so it wouldn't bleed on the tile floor.

As Kurama worked Hiei noticed his eyes travel to the one on his shoulder, "and there?" He finally asked.

Hiei took a moment to answer that question, "I did it myself."

Kurama's eyes instantly shot up to Hiei's, "fixed it!" He instantly corrected, "I fixed it myself."

The suddenness of Kurama told Hiei that the red head had been debating on whether or not he wanted to believe that Hiei did this to himself, his minor slip seemed to have confirmed it with him.

Kurama put a bandage over the cuts on his chest and cleaned the one on his face, their eyes never met once. He then cleaned up what he had brought out and set it on the counter, Kurama then turned to Hiei with his arms crossed, his eyes surveying all of Hiei's body.

"My mother is working tonight," he said suddenly, "I'm the only one here, you can stay if you want… but what happened to you Hiei?" He finally asked, his voice firm but not demanding, his crimson eyes looked over to his friend, he still had no answer.

"It's… nothing Kurama."

He saw Kurama's hands clench at his sides and it made him scarred, he had only seen Kurama get upset a few times and even they were few and far between, it took a lot to make Kurama mad.

Hiei moved as far back in the chair as he could, his eyes still watching Kurama carefully, if Kurama was going to hit him to, he wouldn't fight it, but he still feared it.

"You come to my house bleeding and actually asking me for help for your wounds and they are simply nothing?"

He asked, this time Hiei didn't answer, he was afraid of Kurama right now.

His words didn't even sound like the friend he had known for so many years, they were not collected and placed perfectly like they usually were, they were spewed out as soon as they came to his mind.

Hiei looked at the tile floor for a long moment, "do you honestly think I would do this to myself Kurama?" He asked trying to bring it out of his friend… but he didn't know if he could deal with knowing what the answer to the question was.

"I don't know what to think Hiei."

And then there was silence, only the sound of the rain from the outside broke through the heavy tension in the room.

"I'm… sorry." Hiei said looking down, he had no answers to anything, if Kurama was to not accept him he didn't know what he would do with himself; it killed him to know he couldn't tell him what was going on.

Kurama was silent for a long moment, looking at the counter, then suddenly he shot out at Hiei, "I don't understand, if something is going on with you why can't you just say something to me to let me know, anything at all, do you just not trust me?"

Hiei closed his eyes, "no."

"Then what is it?"

There was silence again, "I'm sorry." The words were beginning to become easier to say, especially to Kurama.

The said redhead sighed heavily with his eyes closed for a moment, then he went over to where Hiei was sitting and sat in front of him, taking his face in his hands, Hiei refused to meet his eyes.

"Hiei look at me." He didn't listen. "Hiei…" Still he didn't listen, all of this was to painful he feared that if he looked into those mesmerizing green eyes he would fall victim to the emotions he had locked up for so long and lose all control of himself.

Hiei's eyes finally moved over to Kurama, he just had to see the look in his eyes; he had to.

The emerald eyes were filled with sadness and worry, but not sadness because Hiei wouldn't tell him what was going on, but because Hiei was sad, it was making him upset as well.

"Kurama…" He slid off the chair in front of him and let his gaze fall again, he was breaking and he couldn't deal with it.

"I…" he didn't know how to ask for what he wanted, but somehow Kurama knew… he always knew.

Kurama drew Hiei into a tight embrace and instantly Hiei returned it, gripping onto his friend because his life and sanity depended on it. "I'm sorry Kurama." He said again, he felt Kurama leaning into his hair and just gently listening to him, and he knew he would listen to anything he said.

"I'm sorry." Hiei repeated the words too many times for him to count, and still Kurama said nothing, just listened to him and stayed in place.

Hiei felt wetness grow in his eyes, his head was bent down so he knew Kurama couldn't see it but if he stayed there he would feel it, and he had already been weaker tonight then he had ever let anybody else see.

He pushed the red head away from him and grabbed his head, covering his face with his palms just as the tears fell.

'You're so weak Hiei!' He screamed at himself, 'look at what you've come to, and for what, for your only friend to think you are weak?'

"Nothing is right." Hiei finally said, his voice was broken more than either of them had ever heard. "I hate this!" He shouted, Kurama looked at Hiei, he didn't know what he could do that would help, there was nothing

"No…" suddenly Hiei threw himself back at Kurama, embracing him once more, and there was where he stayed for a long while.

Kurama, confused beyond logical action just embraced him back knowing that for whatever reason it was what he needed. [1

After awhile Kurama broke the silence, "you're staying here tonight." Hiei drew back, his crimson eyes even more red from his tears that had now ceased. "I can't." But it was what he wanted.

"Hiei I don't trust you to leave." Hiei understood that he meant he didn't trust him to be alone with only himself; slowly Kurama was regaining his composure with words.

"So whether you were planning to or not, you're staying here tonight." Kurama stood up and brought Hiei up with him and offered him a bright smile and motioned to his room, where they usually did stay.

Hiei was sure that Kurama understood that tonight was not the night for them to discuss what they had both just witnessed.

As they walked down the dark hall towards Kurama's room Hiei knew he couldn't finish the night without fixing the bond between them.

"Kurama I need you to understand." He stated and Kurama looked back at him long enough to give him a confused look.

"I do trust you with my life and anything," he paused, "more than anyone else." Kurama gave him a bright smile that made him want to smile, but he held back, he needed to get himself composed once more.

"I feel the same way Hiei." He said honestly.

The two got ready for the night and slipped into Kurama's bed, Hiei never slept when he was at Kurama's house, he was always so in love with the sound of nothing that was in Kurama's house that it kept him awake.

There was no screaming here, there were no abusive parents and never had he once smelled so much as one drop of alcohol in Kurama's home.

It was everything that he could ever want in a home and more, and every time he was here it almost seemed to good to be true, like he would soon wake up in his own house and everything had been nothing but a dream.

But as he looked over at the sleeping red head beneath the rose red sheets he knew that he would always live within this dream for as long as he could.

(Not the end!!!!!!!)

A/N: Like the parenthesis above says, this is not the last chapter even though it did have a cool ending on it. I think this chapter turned out kind of like what I wanted but with more, as I was writing it I nearly cried as I visualized a broken Hiei. Please send all of your comments and ideas please! (and no flames please and thank you!)

NEXT CHAPTER SOON!!!!

[1: Whenever I watched the show and watched scenes with Hiei and Kurama I have always had a sort of weird need to see Hiei break down.

Just once, just to see him cry (to prove the claim about whether he cries tear gems for one!) and to see him actually give a lot of feeling towards something!

I think having him break down just shows the human side that lets him feel emotion whether he wants to acknowledge he feels them or not!

So writing this kind of fulfilled that need to see and I apologize if it was badly written, I tried!

And I'm sorry if Hiei was a bit OOC at that part, I didn't think there was a way to have him break down and still be all… Hiei-like at the same time.

Please review!

_-Forbiddensoul562_


	5. One Strike To Total Demise

A/N: I never thought, when I envisioned this story, that it would be so complicated! How come no one warned me about how I would be getting writer's block for almost every chapter, and only one idea to work on for each one? Whatever let's see what I can pull out of my sleeve…… besides a rabbit.  
Hiei: Baka, they pull rabbits out of hats!  
FS562: Whatever it's my story I can say what I want! … How would you know anyway?

Disclaimer: I do not own YYH or any other copyrighted thing that I may use in this story, it is purely for the experience of writing and I am in no way making money off of this! And please don't sue me!

Chapter 5: One Strike Needed For Total Demise

Hiei's P.O.V

The next morning I was still awake, I closed my eyes just before Kurama's alarm clock was about to go off, who knew what kind of speech I would get if Kurama knew I hadn't slept.

The loud beeping sound that I hated so much went off and I grimaced at the high-pitched sounds. In a matter of moments Kurama moved and shut it off then sitting up, "good morning." He said.

"Hn," was the only thing I could think of to say, after the embarrassment I put myself through last night I was a fool to think I should even try my hand at words.

Kurama nearly smiled then got up and went to take a shower. I got up as well and went to his closet, he usually had some clothing of mine that I would leave over here, why, neither of us was sure, it just happened.

I was dressed in my normal black attire, most of my wounds didn't seem to hurt so much, but the one on my shoulder hurt even more than it had yesterday. 'Maybe because I didn't do a good job at cleaning it yesterday.' I thought to myself.

I sighed when I realized that I didn't have any of my stuff for school here, it didn't matter, I never took school that seriously, why should I when my mother could care less then I did about what I made?

I went out into the kitchen and looked around, I knew exactly where everything was and how everything worked, but I dared not touch any of it (it wasn't mine anyway).

Nearly ten minutes later Kurama came out in his school outfit and his bag, "ready?" I asked; he looked at me confused.

"We have some time Hiei, I can make us something to eat first."

I shook my head, "I have to get there early today to meet with some of my teachers." I lied, a simple excuse so that I would be able to walk around and collect my thoughts before they were stolen away from me by the presence of class.

"Okay." He said with a smile, Kurama cared more about my schooling than I did and I never figured out why.

But then again he cared about everything more than I did, if he knew my situation he would undoubtedly care more about my life then I did as well.

And then we left for school, one single question burned in my mind that I knew I needed to ask him before the end of the day, but not right now, right now I needed to think about what was going on.

-

The day went by slowly, every minute seemed to pass by like a whole year, and I spent most of my time counting down each minute and each hour, I was starting to think it was a bad habit.

By Speech class I felt like I was about to collapse from sleep deprivation, somehow I forced myself to stay awake for the beginning part of our teacher, Mrs. Yukatta's, lecture.

This is always how the class is, the beginning half is a lecture about speech and then the last half is to partner up and either speak or debate with the person.

I don't know how Kurama was able to convince me to take this class, I think he told me I need to improve my social skills.

About halfway through Mrs. Yukatta's lecture, the battle I had been fighting with my eyelids was not going well, with each passing minute they became a little bit heavier and it became harder to catch myself when I did let them close.

I finally gave up and let my eyes close, and my head lean forward, instantly the black of sleep took me.

Normal P.O.V

Mrs. Yukatta finally released the class to their partners, the students got up to find their partners and begin their daily exercise.

Kurama stood over with two other students in their class, beginning to talk about who would be paired with who; a girl named Samii walked over, "hey," she said, "look at that kid over there." She motioned with her head over to the sleeping Hiei.

One of the boys, Kasu chuckled, "oh wow, is he really sleeping through class?" The other, Nitsu, chimed in, "what an idiot, who does that? He's going to get in so much trouble when Mrs. Yukatta figures it out."

Kurama, who had remained silent couldn't stand to hear their words, "you two partner with each other, I'll be with Hiei." They obviously didn't give Hiei enough respect to even remember his name, not many at the school did.

"Are you sure dude, I mean you don't have to lower yourself down so much as to be with him." Nitsu stated. "I mean if he wants to fail then let him." Kurama shook his head and walked away from them.

He went over to Hiei's desk and stopped by his short friend, he couldn't help but notice how unbelievably innocent he looked when he was asleep.

His knee propped his chair back on it's back two legs, his arms were crossed over his chest but his face was softer without the emotionless crimson eyes to hide it.

He was almost dissuaded from waking him.

"Hiei?" He gently shook his arm

Hiei's P.O.V

Not again, I thought I had finally freed myself of them! I can hear them now, my mother and that damn Yusa! Their shrieking laughs fill my nightmare and there's no escape.

"Hiei you're the reason that your father left us, if it weren't for you he'd still be here and everything would be perfect!" I heard her shout at me.

Suddenly a deep laceration dug into my skin from the crook of my arm down to the wrist. I shrieked at the pain, trying not to scream as the fire filled my body and the blood flowed over my arm and down into the blackness that was around me.

Whoever said that it was impossible to be hurt in a dream was an idiot.

… Or what if this wasn't a dream and somehow I was back in Hell, it did seem like everything that I deserved.

And it certainly did feel like I was beginning to die from extreme blood loss, I knew what dying felt like, we'd flirted together more times than I even wish to remember.

"You're a failure Hiei," Yusa now, "what are you going to do when everyone leaves you and you're alone for the rest of your life? At least you'll know that it was all your fault, that you drove everyone away. The world would be better off if you weren't even here."

Another gash down my other arm, if I could collapse right now I would.

Where are the arms of safety and comfort I long for so badly? Where are they? What ever happened to them never leaving me?

… Or did I ever hear that… maybe I was never promised that and I'm just wishing that it was true. Maybe everybody is slowly being driven away from me.

No… no if they're going to leave me then do it in one vengeful shove and not little by little, that just hurts so much more.

Suddenly I see them, I see Yusa coming closer to me and suddenly grabbing my arms, I feel him shaking me, no this can not go on and I will not let it!

"Don't touch me!" I suddenly backhanded him away, squeezing my eyes closed.

When I re-opened them I was back in my speech class, everyone was spread out for their groups… but everyone was starring at me, in silence. I myself was now standing with my chair thrown back, probably from when I jumped up so quickly.

And then I saw it, Kurama was against the wall, one hand on it and the other on his cheek, and then I knew what I did.

He starred straight at me with those confused, and hurt emerald green eyes; my heart dropped suddenly.

Before I was even able to come to my senses enough to even try and apologize to him the teacher came over. "Kurama are you okay?" Yes, first attend to him, I didn't mean to hit him I swear I didn't!

Kurama nodded but I could see he was horribly shaken up. She then came over to me, "Hiei what were you thinking, hitting him?"

"He was mad because he wasn't getting to do what he wanted." One of the students, Kasu said with a superior look at me, I tried my best not to run over and beat him senseless, that would just be worse for me. I glared hard at him and clenched my fist.

"Hiei." I looked back at her, "you have yet to answer me."

"I… I don't know… I wasn't." How was I supposed to tell her that I was being killed in my dream and I was just trying to defend myself, I didn't know it was Kurama, the very thing that I had so badly wanted at the time!

She sighed heavily then turned back to Kurama, my eyes went to the floor, it would kill me to see his look again.

"Kurama I think you should go to the infirmary, I really don't want to keep the two of you in the same room together."

My hand clenched further, I could feel my nails digging into my skin. I needed to set this straight with him before someone was able to plague his mind with false lies.

He must have nodded because I heard him heading to the classroom door, I looked up just as it closed shut again.

"Alright everyone, return to what you were doing." The teacher announced, and little by little the students did as told, she stayed where she was in front of me.

"Hiei you're exactly the kind of student that I would have thought would do this kind of thing, but why Kurama?" I wasn't sure if she meant for that to be as much of an insult as I took it to be. "I thought you two were friends."

"I thought so to." But now he's leaving me… along with everyone else.

Even so he didn't deserve to be hit for it, he deserved to be shown the way out; if he wanted to leave I would be extremely hurt but I would never blame him.

"Then why did you do that?" Did she really think I was going to open up and spill every thought out to her? She was my teacher for an hour and that was it, nothing more, she didn't deserve the explanation, Kurama did.

"I'm going to get water, to clear my head." I stated, slipping my hands into my pockets and walking out the same door Kurama had gone out.

The hallway was empty, the redhead was no where to be seen… did I really expect him to still be here?

I briefly thought about going up to the infirmary to speak with Kurama myself, but there would be to many people around I'm sure.

And then I thought about just skipping the rest of class completely, but Mrs. Yukatta's expecting to see me return I'm also sure.

Baka school and it's flawless ways of keeping me here!

A/N: That was such a good chapter, oh the suspense! How will Kurama take it? What will Hiei think now? You know I have to say I really do like telling the story in Hiei's P.O.V, I may start doing that more often. We'll see, next chapter soon!

Please review!

(Oh and I really need a muse for this story, so please let me know if anyone's interested If you are it will require you being able to stand hearing/reading future chapter.)

_-Forbiddensoul562_


	6. Could You Survive The Night Alone?

A/N: Okay this is the next chapter and I'm not to thrilled to be doing it because I really wanted to put the beginning part of this on he end part of the last chapter, but oh well it'll still turn out good!

Disclaimer: I do not own YYH, for once I think that's all I need to say.

Chapter 6: Could you survive the night alone?

Hiei's P.O.V

After school I waited for Kurama to come out, I'd left class before the last bell so he couldn't leave before me since the infirmary was on the first floor and we were on the second.

I finally saw him, his eyes were cast down in thought and I dared not even think of what was going through his mind. I thought for a moment whether I should even be speaking to him.

I walked slowly up to him and he stopped, his eyes moved up to mine, I couldn't see any emotion in them, just that he was in thought.

"Kurama?" I tried, my voice came out surprisingly quiet.

He gave me a fake smile, I wondered if he knew that I saw right past it. "Talk to me!" I said firmly, I needed to hear his tone if I was to depict if he was mad at me or not.

He sighed and began walking out of the school campus, I followed close by his side ready to hear anything that he had to say to me, I could take anything just to hear that he forgave me.

"What would you like me to say Hiei?" He asked me softly.

I didn't want him to ask me that, I wanted to know what he was thinking, anything that he was feeling, I wanted to know if he was numb at all, if he even cared. I wanted to know if he was going to be taking this to heart so that I would know if I would ever be able to try telling him anything anymore.

"Say anything Kurama, I want to know what your thinking." I looked away from his face, knowing that I had yet to apologize and knowing I needed to. "You know I'm sorry right?" My voice was so quiet I wondered if I had even said it at all.

"Over the last couple of days you've apologized more times than I've ever heard you before, I have to wonder why." I looked back at him, "would you rather me not?"

"That's not what I said."

"But do you forgive me?" He was quiet but I continued to watch him, with every step I took my confidence that he would in fact forgive me dwindled away.

"Why did you do that, Hiei?" He asked.

"I was having a bad dream, I thought you were someone else."

"Who?" He asked finally meeting my eyes for the first time, I saw the question and I was glad that finally I was seeing something at all! But I also knew that he was trying to figure me out, something I could also see in his eyes.

Certain words would trigger another question from him and he knew that I would always answer him truthfully, whether it was in complete detail or not was something different.

"No one."

He was quiet for a moment, "when you shouted Hiei, you sounded particularly upset, what exactly was happening in this dream?"

I had to think to word my answer correctly, why I didn't know, if he correctly asked me what was going on, I would probably tell him; but only probably.

"Nothing of great importance."

"Then what would you consider of importance?"

"Do you forgive me or not Kurama?" I shouted and he stopped a step ahead of me, my fist was clenched and I had to force myself to look at him when he turned to me.

"Of course I do." He said with his fake smile again.

"Then why do you give me all of these fake smiles?" I asked him, his face went blank and I starred back firmly, "you know they hurt more than you showing me nothing because then I know that you're hiding something behind it all." Now was when he showed me nothing and I wondered if that was a little too hard.

"I would at least like to think that you trusted me as much as I trust you."

"I do trust you Hiei, you should know that. But you're the one holding stuff back from me, but I don't press for it." He did have a point.

"I have to wonder Kurama… would you be here for me?" I asked him quietly going up to him again, I think he saw the hurt that even I didn't know was in me face because his hand reached out and touched my arm where it was bandaged.

"Of course Hiei." Right then I was suddenly convinced that he would always be there, and now he had said it, I could rest some of the weight I'd been carrying, on him if I so choose; that was a good feeling.

-

"Are you sure you don't want to stay over again?" Kurama asked when we reached my house, I looked at it's empty, uninviting door and thought again about it.

"Yeah." He smiled and I held one back. "See you tomorrow at Yusuke's party." Kurama said before I started for the front door, I nodded and we went our separate ways.

Normal P.O.V

Once inside Hiei found himself surrounded by the thick silence of the house, nothing moved for once, he resisted the urge to call out for his mother to see if she was even home.

Walking into the kitchen Hiei found a note addressed to him:

_Hiei,_

_If you're reading this Yusa and I have gone out with his friends, will be back tomorrow or the next day probably._

_Mother_

Hiei crumpled the paper up and threw it away, of course his mother would leave him here alone on the one day he really wished they were here to keep him thinking that he was better than them all.

He walked into the living room and pushed some empty liquor bottles off the couch, he had decided a few years ago that he would never drink, there would be no way he'd be able to live with himself if he ended up like his mother.

He looked over the forgotten room that was littered with broken glass, bottles, and other random trash from past drinking trips his mother and Yusa had gone on.

Hiei had given up cleaning it after they were done, after a day or so it ended up the same way it had before he had done it.

He picked up a thick piece of glass from a bottle that had been broken, he started thinking about how he had come to be in the place that he was.

As hard as it was to believe there had once been a time when his family was normal. His father was still with his mother and they lived in this very house together happily.

That had been when he was still a kid though, and times change.

Finally his father must have realized that his mother was drinking a little more each day, and they began to fight more and more, violently most of the time.

Hiei remembered waking up in the middle of the night and hearing the sound of his mother's screams and the two of them hitting one another on the bottom floor.

And then one day his father came up and told him that he was leaving, he told him that no matter what anyone told him it was not his fault, and to never do anything stupid.

It took a good number of years of living with his drunken mother and her hundreds of boyfriends, but finally Hiei learned that 'don't do anything stupid' meant don't kill yourself.

That, along with the few other things was the only thing that had been keeping him from doing 'something stupid'. But it seemed that with every drinking trip that his mother went on, it became a little harder for him to convince himself out of it.

'I wonder how much it would really hurt.' Hiei thought holding the glass between both his index fingers. 'Would it hurt like all of the other times or would it hurt a lot worse because of what it is?'

He stopped suddenly and threw the glass against the far wall in fury. 'What am I thinking?' He thought to himself, 'Kurama has already had to watch my slow spiral downwards to where I am now, what would he do if he had to know what I had done?'

Kurama had been his friend even when his father had still been here, and after words he had watched and been a good friend as Hiei had fallen to his place.

He did thank the redhead, without him there doing whatever unconscious thing it was he did the fall would have been a lot more violent and probably a little shorter.

'Just stop.' He told himself, his hands holding his head, 'just get through this night and then tomorrow you'll be surrounded by all of them and everything can be fine for one more day.'

One more day, just one more day… how many more days would he be able to convince himself out of something stupid he wasn't sure.

-

Hiei's P.O.V

By midnight I had nearly forgotten what was true and what was not, my mind had slipped into a place that was all too familiar to me, and to this day I still hate going there.

Everything was falling away from me, I sat on the stairs with my head in my hands, my body was crying out for sleep but my mind urged me to do the unthinkable.

Who would even care anyway, I've already had the confirmation that everyone is slowly leaving me, why not just quicken their task?

I think Kurama would be the only one who would really care if I died, he would be the only one who would come to my funeral, but after that I'm sure he'd be happy to be able to do what he wanted without having to be friends with the likes of me.

And my mother would just take it as a reason to drink more, she wouldn't have to worry about having a kid that she didn't want to begin with, and my father was never coming back so I suppose he wouldn't know it if I did it anyway.

I looked up at the ceiling, trying to find something that would be sturdy enough to hold a rope, there was nothing as the vaulted ceilings were smooth.

I stood up and went to the living room where there were more than enough weapons of choice, all the broken glass, one slip of the hands and it would all be over.

I bent down and took a nearly perfect square piece, I could see my broken reflection in it, had I finally snapped? Would this really be the last night that I would ever breath the air of the world?

I chocked out the air that I had forgotten to breath.

I forced myself up the stairs and into the bathroom that only I used, I locked the door and slid down the wall. I placed the cold glass to my wrist and began to simply press down, to see if it would hurt.

I closed my eyes and willed myself to just drag it across my skin, and then when I feel the pain of the skin splitting and the vein being severed force my eyes open so I can watch my life flow out of my arm.

I pulled the glass away and looked at the white line that had formed from the pressure; it disappeared quickly. It was yes or no, there was no alternate option.

If I did it halfway and only partly cut it, then Kurama found it tomorrow there would be no escaping his questions.

I didn't want to do it only because I knew it would upset Kurama but on the other hand I did want to know how he would take it, and I did want to know how it feels.

I swallowed down all of my negative thoughts as tears came to my eyes that I would never let spill, I had to do this, I needed to, even if it was to simply know that I was still alive and to know that this was not all just a horrible nightmare.

If this life had all just been a test, then I had failed. Get ready death, because I'm coming on my own now.

A/N: Ha, cliffhanger! So, do you think that Hiei will survive his night? Now I know some people may think that this may be a little extreme for this Hiei but everyone has been there, just that one night where you're fine during the day but once night sets in you start thinking completely different. Anyway…

Please review!

_-Forbiddneousoul562_


	7. Living For You

A/N: Woo I'm back, sorry to leave you with that cliffhanger but hey, anyone who knows my writing knows I love to do that! Anyway here's the next chapter, enjoy!

Disclaimer: I do not own YYH

Chapter 7: Living For You

Hiei's P.O.V

My mind was clouded over with the sick mixture of pain and confusion. I felt a light warmth on my face and forced myself to open my eyes despite my wonder of how I was still here.

The sun from the morning was shining in through the bathroom window onto where I had been lying on the floor. I swallowed hard and closed my eyes, why was I still alive? How was I still alive?

I couldn't even muster up the confidence to look at my wrists, I know I slashed them, I know I felt myself bleeding onto the cold, tile floor. Then how is it that I may still be alive?

Flashback 

_I slashed my wrists in one vicious movement then let myself lean back against the wall and feel the pain of it._

_I could feel my hands shaking lightly, I forced my eyes open and looked down at my bleeding wrists, my hands were already coated in the red liquid. _

_I was looking at my life leaving my body but I wasn't seeing it, all I could see was a certain redhead, the disappointed look he would give me if he ever found out about this, the sadness that would fill his green eyes and rob him of the happiness he more than deserved. _

_No, no if I let this continue and I let myself die here tonight then I'd be killing Kurama along with myself, lord knows he would never forgive himself when he found out what happened to me._

_Does this mean I'm living solely for his happiness?_

_I forced myself up without the use of my arms and over to the sink where I grabbed some of the bandages I had in a cabinet. I then began the annoying task of trying to wrap my wrists up as tight as I could with my opposite hand and partially with my teeth. _

_For anyone who's taking that into consideration, I don't recommend it, it doesn't work that well._

_When I was finally done I went back over to where I had been in the beginning and sat down with my head leaning back against the cool wall. _

_I was beginning to feel the pain of it all, but I didn't care, all that mattered was trying to make it through the rest of the night with my wrapped up wrists and hope to the gods that I would wake up tomorrow. _

_End flashback_

Now, as looked at myself in the mirror the next morning I was whiter than normal and I looked like I was in so much pain, not that I wasn't. I wanted to smash the mirror into a thousand pieces, into so many pieces that I couldn't see myself in it any more.

I could see the blood that had stained the white cloth, proving the sick fact that last night was not just another nightmare. I proceeded in wrapping more bandage around my wrists until the red had disappeared.

My hands functioned a little better than they had last night but it still hurt to move them.

I lightly grinned down at my pathetic excuse for work, it was nothing compared to how Kurama would have been able to do it but he didn't have two slit wrists and barely any blood left in his arms when he was doing it either.

Considering the circumstances I think I did I pretty good job!

I then proceeded to clean up my own blood from the floor and discard it so that no one would ever suspect a thing. I then left from the room and went to my bedroom to dress for Yusuke's party, thankfully I had a long sleeved black shirt.

I went down into the kitchen in an attempt to find any type of food that I could feed my body, to assist in it's repair. All we had was sour milk, old bread, alcohol, and various other items that were too morphed for me to even think of eating.

I sighed, of course there was no food in this house, what was I thinking even searching for something?

I thought for a moment, I was going to meet them at Yusuke's for his party but I didn't know when, I had heard some time mid-day, and our clock said it was noon now so I probably didn't have that long before I was late.

-

On the way to Yusuke's I went into one of the small supermarkets and bought a candy bar and an apple, I was no doctor, how was I supposed to know what I should be eating at a time like this?

As I made my way there I finished my purchases glad that I had something actually in me now.

Outside of Yusuke's apartment I waited for a long minute, there were so many factors that told me to turn and go home. For one thing I really didn't want to be around any of them today, and for another I didn't want to be around them if Kurama hadn't come already.

Hesitantly I rang the doorbell and waited, I was nervous as can be and still held myself back from leaving before someone came.

Finally though Yusuke opened the door with his happy look and I knew that I was now stuck for the next two days.

"Hey, Hiei you actually did come, we thought you wouldn't show up!" He said with surprising joy on his face. When he actually looked at me he stopped, "hey, you look really pale, are you okay?" He asked with concern.

"Hn, I'm fine you fool… just not feeling to well today." That was defiantly an understatement.

"Well if you don't feel up to it you don't have to stay you know." I could hear that he meant it, he did want me to stay but not if I didn't want to. Despite what I had been telling myself I knew that there was nothing more I wanted then to see the redhead's face and to see him smile.

"I'll be fine."

"Well that's good, come on in, everyone's already here." I was glad, I stepped in when he moved. There was a kitchen to the left when you walked into the apartment and straight ahead was the living room, where the other two were.

I stepped in and Yusuke followed close behind, "see, I told you Hiei would make it." Yusuke announced. Kuwabara and Kurama were seated on the couch, they smiled but then I saw Kurama's look fall.

"Hey, shorty looks really pale." Kuwabara commented.

"He's not feeling well baka! Leave him alone." Yusuke scolded him. I had to look away, lightly trying to draw my sleeves over my hands to make my lacerations that much more invisible.

-

We spent the day doing an assortment of activities, most of which ended up with Yusuke and Kuwabara getting into some kind of fight.

By sunset we were all seated around a circle playing a game that Yusuke called, 'Tell the Truth' and from how it had been going I didn't like it.

He said it was basically truth or dare without the dare part. So each person had to ask another person a question that they had to answer truthfully and so far I had been spared of being asked ay questions.

"Okay, my turn." Yusuke said with his smile, and without hesitation he proceeded, "Kuwabara why do you love cats so much?"

"That's easy, because their cute and soft!" Yusuke looked confused, "and you call yourself a man?" He asked and Kurama chuckled.

"Yeah, whatever, my turn." He looked around at the three of us in deep thought. "Kurama, do you have any guilty pleasure?"

"Such as?"

"Well, anything you do that no one would expect you to do because you're you?" Kuwabara was an idiot, I hated the way he spoke. Kurama had to think and I watched him as he did.

"No, not really."

"Wow, that's kind of boring." Kurama just chuckled. He was lying, I knew he was, only I knew about his liking for sad romance films. I shook my right arm as I had begun to loose feeling in it.

"Okay," his emerald eyes shot over to me and I instantly tensed up, I doubt it was noticeable though as no one seemed to say anything.

"Hiei, what do you dream about?" I glared at him and he smirked back at me, I hated how he did that.

"Nothing I don't dream." He didn't miss a beat, "I think you're lying Hiei." His tone said that he was trying to get a rise out of me, but he was saying it in a way where I knew what he was talking about and the others didn't.

"And I think you're a lying bastard who doesn't know when to let things be!" I shouted back at him. The room went silent and I looked away from them, I held back my urge to get up and leave.

I couldn't let myself be alone, after what had happened last night I didn't trust myself to be left alone.

"Are we missing something?" Yusuke asked after a minute of silence, I averted my eyes, if he wanted to tell them about what had happened I didn't mind.

"No Yusuke, nothing at all." Kurama finally said softly his eyes were still watching me, I wondered if the tone was really meant for them or for me?

"Do you want us to step out?" He asked, Kurama must have shook his head because they didn't move.

I saw Yusuke nod out of the corner of my eye. "Well we're going to go decide on something to order for dinner." The two got up and went to the kitchen.

Without thinking I went to push myself up with my hand and a searing pain went up my arms, I bit my tongue to keep from screaming out. I quickly stood up without the use of my hands and began to walk away.

Where to I didn't know, I knew Kurama was watching me, but I hated him for even daring to bring that one thing up when the other two were around.

I don't know if he realizes that I don't consider them much of my friends.

I stepped out onto the balcony that looked out onto the city and let my mind take over, my eyes no longer saw the scenery.

I don't understand what's happening to me, I've held everything under control for so long could it be that I'm finally breaking without any release?

No, that couldn't be it, I couldn't break, I didn't know what would happen if I did and I was afraid of what would happen if I did. I looked at my covered wrists that were on the iron railing.

But look what I'm doing to myself, I'm slowly dying from all of this and I'm sure that falls under the category of braking.

"Hiei." I closed my eyes, why must he always plague me in some way? "Nani?" I asked without turning, Kurama came over and stood next to me.

"Yusuke and Kuwabara are going out to get the food."

"Why aren't we going?"

"They said they'd be back shortly." That wasn't an answer for my question, how dare they leave me with him!

"I want to talk to you Hiei," he said softly, I couldn't help but look at his outwards pointed eyes. "Go ahead." I said.

He sighed and looked at me, "I want you to be honest with me, we have already stated that we trust one another." I simply nodded but I feared what he wanted to say to me.

"Hiei, how are you doing, really?"

"I'm fine Kurama, why?"

He smiled, "I said I wanted you to be honest with me, and I have a few pieces of evidence that say that you're answer isn't true."

"Such as?"

"Now Hiei, do you really want me to get into specifics?" No, no Kurama I really don't, I want to completely break down to you and tell you everything that's being hid behind these hollow crimson eyes.

I want to ask you why it's taken you this long to see it.

With a sigh he shrugged and took my right arm that was closest to him, his touch was ever so gentle but I still felt the need to scream at the touch; I bit my tongue instead.

He drew back my sleeve and fingered the cloth on my wrist, his hurt eyes looked at me, "I noticed it when you shook your arm earlier, and how you refuse to put any pressure on it. I've been trying not to think about what's under these, but I can't help but wonder." His features said he wanted me to tell him and I suddenly felt compelled to.

"It's really none of your business Kurama."

"Hiei you're my best friend, and I'm worried about you so it is my business, please just tell me Hiei, I can't stand having you leave me here in the dark any longer." His words hurt me and I knew he meant them to. Now was where I did brake for him; and only him because he had asked.

"It's probably exactly what you're thinking." I looked away and he was silent, which killed me even more than the words now. I felt his grip tighten then loosen repetitively on my arm, I held back wanting to tell him that that really did hurt me.

"Tell me why Hiei." I was silent, he took my face in his free hand and forced me to look at him, to stare straight into his hurt green eyes. "Tell me Hiei." He said firmly, but I didn't know what to tell him.

I wanted to say that this was why I didn't tell him, because I wouldn't be able to see him hurt like this.

"I hated the pain Kurama, I can't stand it anymore."

"What are you talking about? Why didn't you tell me?" He led me inside the house and sat me down on the couch. "Tell me everything." I grinned, "I don't have the time, the others will be back before I finish."

"I don't care! This only concerns you and I right now, I want to know everything, you know I'm going to listen to you." He was right and I knew we would even leave if it came down to that.

But I couldn't hold this back any longer, I had to tell him now, if I didn't then I never would, and the next time I try something stupid I would probably succeed.

"For years I've just been slowly falling downwards into his blackness, and last night I didn't care anymore and I wanted it to end. I didn't even care how you would take it, anything was better than knowing I wouldn't be able to convince myself into living another day."

"But why?"

"I have no family because of me Kurama, my mother's an alcoholic, my father doesn't exist to me, and well…" He was still holding my arm, I used my left hand to push his arm up to the bandages from the lacerations he had helped me with.

"You're a smart person Kurama, I'm sure you can fill in the rest."

I was proud of myself for not braking like I had a couple of days ago. But the night was soon approaching and there was no doubt that he would not let this rest; who knew what his perfectly placed words would be able to draw out of me.

As I looked at him I saw that he was registering it all in his mind, slowly letting it sink into him. He was giving me a confused look that said he understood exactly what I was thinking at the same time, that mixed with the hurt constricted my heart till I thought it would drop out of my chest.

"Hiei…" I saw the pain that suddenly took over his eyes, he was hurting from this more than I was, maybe I just had accepted it better than he had. But Kurama had always been the stronger one of us, what had I said to bring about this?

"I apologize Kurama, I didn't mean to hurt you, I swear, I can make it better." I was silently begging for him to not break on me, if he did I would have no support to keep me from doing the same.

I waited for another moment and then spoke. "Are you mad because I didn't tell you?" I asked, if he was I wouldn't blame him.

He sighed heavily, "no, I'm not mad, I'm a little upset that you wouldn't tell me something that important for this long. And that you didn't come to me last night, but I'm not mad."

How many times would I have to apologize for him to forgive me this time? Give me a number and I would do it.

"Tell me what your thinking." I said, more like asked.

"I'm wondering how exactly you're still staying so strong even now, and I'm thinking about a couple of nights ago, what you said, and about how I have to help you fix this." I shook my head.

"It doesn't need fixing, I have everything under control." He grinned, "I don't think this counts as having everything under control." I glared at him, hating him for being right.

I sighed but he caught me before I could speak. "If there's a next time Hiei, please tell me, I don't care when it is or what it is, I think you owe me that."

He was right, I did owe him that, just like I owed him so much more than that. "I will."

A/N: Okay so the secret is out of the bag, or however that saying goes. Now the healing begins. But make no mistake, this story is still angst and so there will still be some more upsetting scenes in later chapters.

Please review!

_-Forbiddensoul562_


	8. The NotSoSecret Plan

A/N: Okay now since this is my only active story now I find I have so much more time to work on it, and I find myself wondering exactly what I'm going to do for this story and what I'm going to do in the next chapter. It's all a little strange actually!

Disclaimer: I do not own YYH, that's it for now… wow for once I don't have like 5 things to touch on… another surprise!

Chapter 8: The Not-So-Secret Plan

Kurama's P.O.V

Yusuke and Kuwabara came back not long after Hiei's confession and I could tell he was more than overjoyed, so that now he wouldn't have to sit and suffer through my questions.

But the truth was that I had so many other questions I wanted to ask him, so many that I didn't know how to put them all into words.

Hiei found any excuse not to have to look at me the rest of the night, while I found myself watching him more than usual.

I felt like it was more of a protection thing than anything else.

I watched as he tried to act as normal as possible, as he shouted at Kuwabara for taking the last piece of cheese pizza yet flinched away when anyone got near his wrists.

And when we watched the movies that they had gotten, Hiei watched the screen with blank, hollow eyes and it took everything I had not to confront him right in front of the other two.

I was so scarred for my friend.

I told him before the others came back that after the party ended tomorrow he would be staying with me and after fighting for a few moments he finally agreed.

There was simply no way I could let him live within that house now. Not when I knew that he was, in fact, capable of taking those desperate measures.

I told Yusuke and Kuwabara not to go to sleep tonight, to stay awake because I needed to talk to them about something very important. I was determined to fix this situation and whether Hiei wanted it or not I had to tell the others.

Not because they were also his friends, because I knew he really didn't care much for them; but because I know in the back of my mind that I really would not be able to do much by myself.

I watched him for the rest of the night and wondered what he was thinking about. When he finally went to sleep I had to wonder what he saw behind those lids.

In Yusuke's room, where we had decided to 'sleep' I waited in my sleeping bag on the floor as Yusuke and Kuwabara made their way out of the room.

Hiei was next to me under the blankets that Yusuke had loaned him, I must say he contrasted very much in all of his black against the white blankets.

'I'm sorry I'm about to do this Hiei.' I thought to myself, wishing that he could hear the words I was too afraid to say.

'But someday maybe you'll thank me. I'm just not capable of doing this all by myself, you've entrusted with me this huge secret that you've been carrying on your shoulders, now you must also trust me to help you fix this.'

With an exhale of breath I got up from where I had been and went to the closed door. I looked back once at his sleeping figure in this dark room then forced myself out.

The rest of the apartment was dark except for in the living room where one small light was lit and Yusuke and Kuwabara waited.

"What's this about Kurama?" Yusuke asked me with seriousness in his brown eyes, I looked away as I sat down on the couch and breathed evenly to keep my composure.

I wanted to come out and tell them what I was thinking, but that was to sudden, I needed to find some way to ease into this; why I'm not sure.

"Did anyone else notice Hiei's actions today?" I asked looking from the floor up to their faces, I could see the confusion that they really didn't want to show. Was I really the only one who gave enough care to notice?

… What am I saying? Most people don't even care enough to remember Hiei's name, of course I was the only one.

"Not really, he seemed exactly like he does everyday, maybe a little more anti-social than normal but that's about it." Kuwabara stated.

I sighed, pushing down all of my second thoughts about telling them at all.

"I have reason to believe that Hiei's being abused." The words were poison to my lips and they sent a sickening chill down my spine, saying it seemed to make everything that much more real.

"No way." Yusuke said in disbelief, his eyes had widened for only a second. "Why do you think that?"

"He's started flinching away from everyone and I've seen the lacerations on his body that are too straight and in too many numbers to be accidents." I had to leave Hiei with some dignity, what he had done would be between only he and I.

"What makes you think that he's just not doing it to himself?" Kuwabara asked.

"Hiei would never do that, he's told me before that he would never go so low." My heart clenched as my mind thought about my friend throwing everything aside and breaking under the weight and trying to end it all.

It couldn't be true.

"I don't know Kurama he seems like that kind of person, I would never put self mutilation past him."

"He's not doing it to himself!" I nearly shouted, catching myself at the last moment when I remembered that Hiei was still sleeping.

The room went silent, Yusuke and Kuwabara watched me for a long moment as I tried to compose myself once more.

The truth was that speaking everything threw it into a reality much different then when you just think it. Speaking the words confirmed the fact that this was really happening and I'm not sure I was ready to think that my friend, who I've felt to be so strong, could do these things.

"Hiei is my best friend." I told them, "and I know him a lot better than both of you, he would never do these things to himself."

I could see the doubt in their faces, but they put it aside to hear me out. "Okay, so…?" Yusuke trailed off.

"So we're going to have to fix this situation, and I can't do this by myself."

"So what are we going to do?" Kuwabara asked with what looked to be anticipation from where he sat next to Yusuke. I could tell that he was more on-board about fixing it than Yusuke was, even though Hiei and Kuwabara hate each other I can tell Kuwabara really does care.

"Honestly… I don't know. He'll be staying with me for a while, until we can get this under control. I'd like to see to what extent this really is also." I stated, averting my eyes.

"And then?"

"Well he already knows that I intend to fix this."

"So he's going to rebel." Yusuke stated and I nodded.

"Right, but I don't think he would go back on me so far as to return home, but there is the slightest chance that he could go to one of your homes." I looked between the two of them now. "Which is one of the reasons why I'm telling you this."

They nodded, "but how are you going to fix it Kurama?" Kuwabara asked leaning back on the couch they were on that was perpendicular to mine.

"It will take time, somehow we'll have to find a way to get him out of that home for good."

"We could kill his parents." Yusuke's always so quick to violence.

"I was thinking something a little more legal."

"Oh," his shoulders dropped noticeably. "Maybe we can just decide that later?" He asked, "take one thing at a time."

I nodded, "I suppose." My mind had been so completely filled with a mixture of unhealthy emotions that I had nearly forgotten that it would be easier to take things one at a time. [1

"Well then, until our next meeting is called to order?" Yusuke asked, readying himself to stand up.

"Neither of you say a thing to Hiei." I told them, meeting their eyes. "You're not supposed to know and if he finds out about any of this he's going to rebel even more."

They nodded and stood up, "don't worry Kurama, the secret is safe." Kuwabara said, he then squeezed his lips together to show that he wasn't going to say anything; Yusuke nodded beside him.

I exhaled a heavy breath then followed them as they made their way back to the silent, dark room.

I laid back down in my sleeping back and looked at my sleeping friend, I couldn't help but see the impression of suffering that lay thick on his features, I don't understand how I hadn't see it before.

I wanted so very badly to take him away from all of this, everything he had come to know as reality. I wanted to embrace him and somehow convince him that everything would… or rather could be okay.

But how was I supposed to convince him of that when I wasn't completely sure about that outcome myself?

A/N: Yay! Very emotional chapter I suppose, at least we get to see what Kurama's thinking about it all. I think this is going to be the only chapter that I make in Kurama's point of view, only because I think it has more feeling from third person or Hiei's point of view. But if you think differently please, feel free to let me know your thoughts.

[1: I know that this sounded like Kurama was thinking about self mutilation or something like that, but that's not how I intended it.

My mother always told me that if I kept worrying about people and letting myself be sad for them and such I would eventually make myself sick, so when I say they were unhealthy emotions I simply mean that he was worrying and being sad all at once.

Please review!

-_Forbiddensoul562_


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